I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i wish my penis had a tongue
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
