I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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