i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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