hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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