I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
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Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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