I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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