I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
