im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
