how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Can I color on your dick again?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
