Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
