I'm laying in your front yard are you home
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
