We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
