Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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