i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
