The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
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And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
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I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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