dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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