I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
