gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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