you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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