I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
