i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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