worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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