You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
