My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
