Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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