before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
