fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
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I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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