The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
