The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
