When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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