Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
