Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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