Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
