New invention idea: vibrating tampons
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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