just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
