I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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