look no pants
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I need to calm my uterus...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
