Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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