I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
