I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
