Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
