I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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