Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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