non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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