Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
