so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
