I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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