remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
