how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
