So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
