I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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