I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
