toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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