I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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